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THE GAIN AND PAIN

She looked like the happiest girl in the universe. Cheeks flushed pink, her blue eyes shining with tears, she clasped her hands in a heart shape mouthed "thank you "  to crowd.Watching Britain's Victoria Pendelton receive her gold medal after winning the women's track cycling keirin was one of the iconic moments of London 2012 Games.

The pretty brunette draped the British flag over her shoulder in the centre of the Velodrome of theOlympic Park , taking in the rapturous, triumphant applause around her.

 But behind those shining eyes Pendelton was feeling  something different not triumph,but relief. Relief that she had won; but also relief that it was all over - that in just few days time she would retire from  competitive cycling forever . " I don't understand why i put so much trouble on myself  ," she told the reporters . I can't really believe it and my overwhelming feeling is just relief."

In a new memoir, Pendelton has revealed that her hugely successful track career coincided with decades of pain.Fear of failure and pressure to win, as well as what she saw as demanding relationship with her father(also a cyclist), led to a tendency to self-harm and an obsession with cleanliness, which saw her running her hands under boiling water and cutting her arms with a Swiss army knife until a " soothing numbness" spread through her body. No wonder she wanted it to be over.

CRY OF DESPAIR.

Pendelton's experience are ,sadly,not unusual .The 31-year -old golden girl from Bedfordshire is one of a elite athletes who must grapple with such emotions. Performing at high level in sport is unforgiving.

 Training programmes are intense , diets demanding and competing exhausting .Failure is never far away ; neither is injury .There is no time for friends or family, and few opportunities to sit  down and think, let alone talk, about your feelings. Athletes' self-esteem is linked to their performance ; one bad race or missed goal and this can plummet irrecoverably.

At the least extreme end of the spectrum are athletes  who develop obsessive traits ,sometimes  the beginnings of obsessive-compulsive disorder(OCD), to help combat lack of confidence.

Spanish tennis player Rafael Nadal lines his water bottles on the side of the court before playing, much as British footballer David Beckam (who admitted having OCD ) lines up the Pepsi cans in his fridge.Novak Djokovic, the Serbian tennis player , refuses to use the same shower twice during tournaments, while British swimmer and Olympic gold and bronze medallist Rebecca Adlington only sets her alarm clock or the television volume to an even number.

SENSE OF CONTROL.

It's easy to dismiss some of these as silly superstitions ; but they can conceal deep-rooted vulnerability .Stuart Holiday, a trainee sports psychologist with his own consultancy, says these minor neuroses provide athletes with comfort and confidence in an otherwise unpredictable profession. Unable to control what happens on track, in the pool or on the pitch, they crave control in their personal lives. "If it's worked in past, they'll repeat it," he explains."They know what they're doing is irrational but it can become a coping strategy to deal with the stress of competing."

Nearly two decades later,studies by  researches at the University of Leeds showthat as many as one in 10 of Britain's 250 leading female runners has an eating disorder. The issue of the "perfect" body reared its head at the London Olympics: both Tom Daley  and Jessica Ennis were labelled "fat" in the run-up to the Games.

Pendelton's  account of her battle with self-harm is an insight into a side of elite sports we know alarmingly little about. Phil Johnson, founder of Sport and Performance Psychology, says many athletes struggle psychologically because they don't have anyone to talk to about what they're going through."Victoria would have found it difficult to express her feelings within a context of safety , understanding and confidentiality ,"he explains."Lots of athletes wouldn't think of going to a sports psychologist, and some experts aren't trained to deal with these problems."

Help is at hand for athletes who competed in the London Games. UK Athletics has an agreement with the Priory hospital group, whose experts have pledged to provide mental health support - on issues including stress ,anxiety, depression and eating disorder- to sportsmen and women.For, behind many of those tearful victory ceremonies and beaming faces atop podiums will have been hidden stories of pain and heartbreak on the road to success.

One can only hope that Pendelton, nearly a month into her retirement,is now in a better  place-The Daily Telegraph UK.